We begin this edition of the CM Burns Ledger-Picayune with an apology. We’re sorry that our readers are such a bunch of stingy asses. Due to the current state of the economy and the enduring challenge to compete with the electronic media, we rely heavily on the contributions of you the reader. Many, if not all, of you have been opting to enjoy our deep insights and witty conjecture on-line rather than purchase a subscription to our print version. Because of this, we have had to abandon our bi-weekly version and have instead opted for a bi-when-ever-we-feel-like-it version. Deal with it. Also we will be adding cheap, American Idol style sponsorships to the publication. Mark Zuckerberg said that advertising on the internet was not “cool”. When we think of cool, we think of Mark Zuckerberg. But since you loyal readers won’t get off of wallet mountain, we are forced to make CMBLP less cool. You have yourselves to thank. That said, we appreciate your patronage and hope you continue to enjoy our publication. If you would like to contribute, send a check or money order to: Christopher Ellston in care of, Christopher Ellston to 6600 River Road, Inver Grove Heights, MN 55076. Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,

Christopher Ellston

CEO, Editor-in-Chief, Owner/Operation CM Burns Ledger Picayune

OCKES’ OUTCASTS: R.I.P.

While Ockes’ Outcast owner, Ryan Jellema is large in stature he is beginning to appear to be very small in the common sense department. Jello has been AWOL for the majority of the season, leaving his players clamoring for leadership. After a mid-September blowout loss to Groove’s Gang (131 – 64), Jellema packed his gym bag and hitchhiked to New York city to occupy Wall Street. Jellema is notorious for his 60′s style, peace and love philosophy to coaching and has apparently decided to take the show on the road. On September 20th, Jellema arrived in Zuccotti park with a truck full of construction supplies and a mission.

“I felt my skills could be better utilized elsewhere,” Jellema said in a statement to the press. “Here I can provide supplies and expertise as we erect these makeshift shelters and lean-to’s. I can also provide quality day-care when protesters need to get away for traffic interruptions or bongo sessions.”

Meanwhile back at camp his players are reeling after another tough loss in week 7, their 4th straight. In fact, the only win for Ocke’s this season came in week three when the team stumbled their way to an 83 – 69 win over the HellHounds (T-2nd). With the team sitting firmly in last place, Jellema has vowed to return to camp and lead his team, though most believe the new-found enthusiasm will be short-lived. The schedule offers little hope for Ocke’s with the final 5 weeks of the season pitting him against 4 of the top five teams in the league. Cornerback, Antoine Winfield who has been injured for three weeks spoke to the media on Tuesday from his spot on the Ocke’s Outcasts bench about the teams chances.

“We don’t have a chance.”

Jellema will try to begin the long ascent in week 8 when he faces Matt Fitch’s Nuts! who are 2-5. Ocke’s -11

This obituary brought to you by:

Burnham-Baddely Cremation Services. “When it’s your time to fry, don’t get burned by the other guy!”

DEEP STANK 9: Bye, Bye Barman

At the end of the upcoming weekend of football, Deep Stank 9 will have completed a 4 week stretch where they saw 14 of their players on a bye. A statistical anomaly especially considering the teams deep commitment to never, ever, ever pick up a free agent. A gambler by nature, team owner Tyrone Lahr decided to roll the dice early in the season and try to win games in weeks 5 and 6 without players on the field. Oddly, it worked! In week 6 Lahr was able to “out-manage” Ryan Jellema and won the game handily (91-61) with 4 players on a bye. He spoke to the media following the win.

“What happened?”

Unfortunately, this is the only win for Stank in a season that has seen few close games. In week 3 Lahr suffered a 140 – 53 loss to Groove’s Gang, which should be a record if it isn’t. The 1-6 record leaves Stank with little hope for the playoffs and the rest of the league with little hope for a trade or competitive game with the team this season. The remainder of the season for Lahr’s team is of little consequence as he will no doubt fail to set his lineup and will, in essence, be serving as a bye for any team that plays him. Circle of life. First up to reap the benefit is Dirt Devils in week 8 who are favored by 57,000.

This Powder Puff league team report brought to you by:

Dr. Eisenfingers Sedation Gynaecology.“We give you the SMEAR without the FEAR!”

DEEZ NUTS!: Fitch’s Bitches

If you were to look up “bad luck” in the dictionary you would probably be looking for a while. Dictionaries define words one at a time. But if they did define terms like “bad luck” you probably wouldn’t find a picture of Deez Nuts!, because dictionaries rarely use pictures as a form of description. What they do use is words, and you could use a lot of those to describe the bad luck that Deez Nuts! has run in to this season. After three weeks of play Nuts! had earned a whopping 284 points only to have given up nearly 380. After starting 0-3 Nuts! finally got into the win column after putting up a 145 spot on Spider Pigs in week 4. After the win, team owner Matt Fitch set out to temp fate and try to prove a point to his team when he stood under a ladder and threw a black cat through a mirror. Following a statement from PETA calling for a boycott of the teams merchandise, Fitch released a statement to the media.

Artists depiction of Deez Nuts! team meeting

“I deeply regret my actions and in no way intended to brutally murder the cat in question. That was an accident. However, as a leader of men, it is my duty to motivate my players. We have been under an extreme amount of pressure to win and I was trying to prove to my team that luck is what you make it. I do not condone violence toward animals, neither will I tolerate fantastical notions of jinxes, hexes or curses. If the situation calls for it I would execute a cat, dog, horse, elephant or even a person to motivate my team.”

The ill-timed stunt however was a vast miscalculation on the part of Fitch and backfired in a serious way when they faced Groove’s Gang in week 5 who routed the Nuts! 135-89. They followed that performance with a week 7 loss to HellHounds on a 6 point Monday night from Nick Folk. After the 2 game skid Fitch changed course and distributed four-leaf clovers, bibles and rabbits feet to his entire team, which incidentally brought another complaint from PETA. The strategical shift worked however and Nuts! pounded out a 124-112 win in week 7 over the leagues other tough luck team, Viking Pimp. The win moves Fitch to 2-5 and gives the fans reason for optimism. The next 2 weeks will bring in bottom feeders, Ocke’s Outcasts and Deep Stank 9 and should afford Deez Nuts! an opportunity to get back in the hunt. If they’re lucky.

This team report brought to you by:

Veal: “Because meat just tastes better when it’s nursing.”

VIKING PIMP: Losing In Vein

When the CM Burns fantasy football league expanded to 10 teams in 2008, Ringo Leapold and his Viking Pimps burst on to the scene in grand fashion going 11-2 in his inaugural season and wasting playoff opponents Drew Munson and Ty Tahr on route to a championship. After a sophomore slump Leapold appeared to be poised for a second championship in 2010 but fell just short to Munson in the championship event. Now after a bullish introduction to the league, Leopold’s stockpile of good fortune seems to be running a little bare. Despite and impressive showing at the leagues first auction draft and a fairly adequate team on the field, Ringo has gotten off to a less than stellar 2-5 start to the season. Certainly not a mark that completely excludes him from the playoffs but with the schedule on the Pimps horizon exclusion may be close at hand.

Despite the less than impressive start to the season and a spate of unfavorable matchups, notably a week to 133-147 loss to the HellHounds, Leapold is taking the losses in stride. Most observers attribute the apathy to Leapolds new-found heroin addiction a crutch that he picked up on a weekend getaway to Amsterdam following the birth of his last child. Over the last three years Ringo set a world record by fathering 72 children and he said he just needed a break.

“Look man, it’s like this. I was going broke, losing weight, I couldn’t sleep and was battling severe anxiety. I figured if I was going to display all the symptoms of a heroin addiction I might as well be having some of the fun. Added bonus, social services took away all my kids so now I have more time for the team.”

The public nature of Leapold’s addiction coupled with multiple arrests and rumors of a minor case of HIV has been a PR nightmare for the Pimps. they hope to regain some goodwill from the community with an upcoming episode of INTERVENTION on A&E that will feature Leapold. Every member of the team is expected to be in attendance and in fact they plan to pull off a double-intervention of sorts when they try to get Kellen Winslow some help to stop being such a plain old dumb ass.

“We are hoping we can get coach into Hazelton and Kellen into, I don’t know, third grade.” Kicker Ryan Longwell said to the media on Thursday. “It’s tough because we are trying to play ball and you’ve got the coach over here, nodding off and Winslow over there trying to stick a butter knife into an electrical outlet.”

The intervention will leave the team without much leadership throughout the rest of the season though few believe it will make much of a difference. Viking Pimp faces a schedule that will likely leave him mathematically eliminated by mid-november.

This pathetic biography brought to you by:

Grumpy’s: “We know the place stinks and it’s hard to find a seat, but so what?!? Fuck you.”

HELLFISH ARMY: A Friend In Jesus

The team that comes in at the top of the bottom is Andy Leaopolds Hellfish Army. The fact that the Army has even one win is somewhat of a wonder but to see this team still within striking distance is no lass that divine intervention. And while that term has been thrown around in films and on fields of competition before, Leopold has a real reason to believe that the hand of god is in play this season. After what can only be classified as a train wreck of a draft, in which Andy tried to spend his entire payroll on his first pick before being overridden by the rules committee, the Army drew a week one matchup against Deep Stank 9 and began the season 1-0. After a week 2 loss to the Dirt Devils, in wich Hellfish Army eclipsed the 100 point mark for the second week in a row, Andy crushed deez Nuts in week 3. But then the team ran into trouble, suffering two losses in a row and looking down the barrel of the Grooves Gang cannon. This is when Leapold looked to a higher power for help.

“I was just fuckin like, ‘Hey fuckin God, fuckin help me out or something maaan.’ You know? Fuckin next fuckin thing you know I’m fuckin hanging tough with fuckin Lance and fuckin. Whatever man. Fuckin. whatever.” Andy said.

His pleas paid off and the lord did provide as Andy pulled off the shocking upset of the season when Reggie Bush pushed the Hellfish Army to a 79-80 win. After the win Andy was poised to move in to the top 5 with a favorable matchup against the HellHounds in week 7. However and not surprisingly the win also boosted Andy’s confidence prompting him to taunt the heavens.

“Fuckin, fuck God man. I fuckin won that shit all by myself dude. Look at my team maan. My boys are fuckin sick maan.” Leapold told Ellston in an email before the game.

Andy’s confidence only increased at he trailed by 17 points going into Monday night with Joe Flacco and his first pick overall Ray Rice still to play. In a text to the HellHounds owner, Andy said. “I got my nigga Ray Ray tonight bitch. Onda lay Onday lay” .

But his plan backfired when the gods dammed the two players to what might be the most mediocre performances in the history of the game. At the half, Leapolds deficit had actually increased by 2 points. He would go on to lose the game and move his record to 3-4. The Hellfish Army is still very much alive with a games coming up against three cellar dwellers, Viking Pimp, Ocke’s Outcasts and Deep Stank 9. This week  Andy is attempting to make good with the lord by praying 3 times a day, volunteering with children in an outreach program and fasting for the week. He is also rumored to be attempting to acquire the services of free agent Tim Tebow.

This team parable brought to you by:

Reverend Joe Bob’s Drive Thru Chapel: “Make the pregnancy legit without making your engine quit!”

In next weeks edition (if there is one):

A look at the top five teams with a strong emphasis on the odds on favorite for the Championship, the HellHounds. Also a acathing expose on the questionable practices of Groove’s Gang who currently sits atop the standings. And is Laura Dykema using her powers as commissioner to manipulate the scores? Check back!

“You know, I don’t really want to take all of the credit but I will because I did think of it all by myself. I don’t really know how I come up with this

Commissioner Munson at a funeral.

 stuff. I just do. I suppose I could use my superior brain power to help fix the economy or maybe end the suffering in North Africa, but the reality is… why? I wouldn’t want to have to dedicate valuable time watching the NASDAQ ticker when I could be watching Kevin Correia pitch against Randy Wells? Know what I mean?” 

While most average baseball fans may not know what he means, the true fantasy enthusiast can “feel” him. And a word to those enthusiasts the improvements don’t end there. The new and improved league format also included a minor league draft. While the details of this new wrinkle have not yet been made public, what is clear is that it is not entirely popular with all of the leagues owners. Insiders say that Micheal Beasley, owner of Olympique De Arsenal is fighting to diminish the role of the minor league additions to the rosters. An anonymous source leaked the following memo from Beasley.

“… I think we are fine the way it is … if … you … don’t have room for a rookie who is called up …  Good, let a (expletive deleted) team pick him up … your team sucks…”

Though no attempt was made to contact Beasley, he could not be reached for further comments.

Despite the obvious negativity seeping from a few camps, there seems to be an overall feeling of excitement throughout the league. The ownership is far-reaching with clubs checking in from Minnesota, Iowa and even Arizona. The enthusiasm was obvious when we spoke to Drew Metoxin, owner of team The Guy on the Couch.

“Whhheeeeeee wheeeee. Yip Yip Yippeeee whoo hooo Yip yay YEAH yay whoooo hoooo. Wheeeeee.” Metoxin said.

The inclusion of the teams from Iowa has even made a significant impact throughout the country gaining praise from important members from the worlds of entertainment, science and politics.

Sean Penn, star of ‘I Am Sam’ commented on the Iowan inclusions. “When I portrayed a handicap in that movie I would have never imagined anyone would let them own a fantasy baseball team.  I always assumed that their fantasies only went as far being able to laugh without drooling. It’s nice to know that even retards dreams can come true.”

Nobel prize winner Steven Hawking said, “Meep meep mop. Moop mop meep moop mop. Waaaaa meep mop.”

Even President Barack Obama weighed in. ” I have championed Title 69 since being elected in 2008. I think the inclusion of the residents of the great state of Iowa is a huge step forward towards the larger integration of inbreds into the world of sports. A world where a brother/cousin can have the same opportunities as a person who was conceived traditionally is a world I want to live in. Yes we can!”

Overall the league seems to be off to a rousing start and will most certainly be the model for the way all fantasy leagues will be run in the future.

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The CM Burns Ledger-Picayune is published once every when ever we feel like it. Subscribe now to gain access to all of your favorite features including match up previews for most games some of the time. Weekly and daily betting lines with inside tips from outsider gamblers. Fabricated stories about people we don’t know including quotes we make up. Pictures from our personal collection and stolen from sites on the internet then published without expressed written or verbal consent. And of course everyone’s favorite feature, giveaways. We periodically come up with creative ways to give away things we run across from time to time. Typically books from crappy authors looking for free publicity. To subscribe simply add funds to Based on Balls entry fee until the balance is paid in full at which time the subscription becomes free. Follow us on twitter @bsnews4u and on facebook  at CMBLP. Check out our Driod and IPhone apps.

Featured Matchup of the Week: Balls vs The Couch

This matchup features two powerhouse offenses, one powerhouse of a pitching staff and a mysterious disease. HR’s, Runs and RBI will certainly be selling low in the matchup as The Couch’s Ryan Braun, Paul Konerko and Casey McGhee face off against Balls’ Carlos Gonzales and Ryan Howard all of whom generally get off to very quick starts to the season.

The equalizer in this much-anticipated matchup will most likely be the pitching. Based on Balls finished the draft fairly weak in terms of starting pitching but improved drastically with the recently approved trade of Jason Heyward to Gritty Guys for Detroit ace Justin Verlander. Couple that move with a Balls pitching staff that includes un-hittable hurler Roy Halladay, up and comer Ricky Nolasco, on the mend Whitey Jake Peavey, All-Star closer Ryan Franklin and the highly under-rated knuckler R.A. Dickey and this game may quickly become one-sided. In fact the only question mark on the Balls pitching staff may be what the hell is “valley fever”, the mysterious fungal infection plaguing Bronson Arroyo. While team doctors have ruled out “valley fever” as the ailment sidelining the pitcher, conflicting reports have surfaced that he may in fact be suffering from the rare malady.

Adult entertainer and former girlfriend of Charlie Sheen Cassandra Cruz, came forward this week with claims that she did in fact transmit the disease to Arroyo. Cruz claimed that Arroyo spent much of the offseason in San Fernando Valley, California working part-time as a “jizz mopper” on the sets of pornographic films.

Arroyo with skanks

“Oh, everyone in the valley is crawling with the fever. Yeah, Bronny was sponging me off after a wicked bukake and I told him he would probably get it but he said he was into it and asked me to punch him in the back. So I did.” Cruz told reporters.

Despite Arroyo’s apparent filthiness and weird fetishes Based on Balls looks poised to start strong in the pitching department while The Guy on the Couch appears to be going the other way. Couch is lacking even one opening day starter and appears to be hitting the panic button already ditching the injured Homer “Don’t call me Homer” Bailey and opting to roll the dice on “Question” Mark Trumbo rather than strengthen his pitching bench. This should come as no surprise as Couch owner Drew Metoxin suffers greatly from “What could have been” syndrome which causes him to compulsively offer one-sided trades that most often come back to hurt him. Look for Metoxin to offer up closer Brian Wilson as soon as he is officially listed on the DL and closer Jonathan Broxton as soon as he blows his first save on Thursday.

All eyes will surely be on this game as we watch one team start on the road to a championship and one team ripe for the picking.

Giveaway This Week!!!

In honor of the NFL’s determination to eat its young, this week CMBLP will be awarding the book “Alway$ on $unday” by Jim Klobuchar and Bud Grant. This prophetic offering from 2009 examines the meteoric rise of the business of football and calls for major change before the sport is derailed by greed. Because this is a baseball league CMBLP will be awarding this book to the team with the lowest OBP this week. Your team sucks and you might as well start focusing on a football season that will never exist.

“I just want to let everyone know that it is not over yet. It came to me at sunrise as I wandered along the shores of the Colorado River in the valley of the grand canyon. I know how to make this team win because God told me. I will guarantee this team makes the postseason, and I litterally will not sleep until they do. Literally.”

TS is currently on a 2-game losing streak and tiedwith Deez Nuts! for last place in the league at 3-7. For Taco to make the postseason they would have to run the table and find a way to pick up wins from Hells Satans, HellHounds and D.S.M. Additionally, Jedlicka would need consistant losses from every team in the league. Though not mathematically impossible the guarantee is far-feched and has garnered reaction from around the country. President Barack Obama spoke out on Friday, calling the comments ‘rediculous’, ‘absurd’, ‘preposterous’ and ‘laughable’.

Taco took the first step to making good on the promise on Thursday when Ricky Williams earned 30 points for the team. Williams credited Jedlicka after the win.

“He and I have been through alot together. Coach stood right there with me when I quit the league to go smoke weed in Jamaica. In fact the whole thing was his idea. He was there for me then and I’m here for him now.”

Taco will need a big win from the Pats this week to finish the job. With Brady looking to avoid any tough 4th quarter desicions this week and Dteroits Kevin Smith out the prove that the Lions are not the worst team in the league, T.S. could pick up the win this week over Grooves Gang. A win for G.G. would keep the teams name involved in the playoff conversation while a loss would mean an uphill battle.

At A Glance

Heres a quick look at the other stories making headlines around the league. The HellHounds have won 7 of thier last 8 games and are a stones throw away from earning yet another playoff appearance and ensuring that owner Christopher Ellston will be remembered forever as the greatest fantasy player of all time.

Noah Fecks will take on the Dirt Devils this week in a rematch of the 2002 and 2005 championship games. Unfortunately this game will not be nearly as important or exciting. N.F. owner Andy Leipold had his hopes set on makeing a late season push but ran into trouble last week when he stepped in fron of the freight train known as D.S.M. This week might be the nail in the coffin when Laura Dykemas surging Devils try to pick up their third win in a row.

The Hells Satans will try to close the book on Viking Pimp this weekend. Drew Munson has been waiting for a big performance from star running back Adrian Peterson and hopes to get it Sunday against the Seahawks. A loss for Viking Pimp would push Ringo Leipolds team to 4-7 and cement thier status as longshots.

Deez Nuts is about to get embarrassed by Tyrone Lahrs Douche McSquish Squash. But let’s face it anytime you get beat in fantasy sports by Ty it’s embarassing and their are a lot of red faces in this league.

And Now…

WEED 420 AM

Bong Water Jones

(Music fading in the background)

 Laura Dykema is not my lover..
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one..

Bong Water Jones- DJ Hookah don’t turn that off just yet.

(BWJ singing)

For forty days and forty nights
The law was on her side
But who can stand when she’s in demand

Okay, Okay, Okay, turn it off before people get mad.

CMBurns… WHAZZ UP!? Man has it been a long time. I have to thank the CMBLP writers for contacting me for this rare opportunity to be a part of what has been a great addition to this league. Where here live on W.E.E.D 420 AM radio in sunny, Downtown, Las Vegas at the Lady Luck hotel. With me as always to the left of me is Rezzy Freddie and new to the program DJ Hookah with music.

DJ Hookah- Hi

BWJ-  Hi? We’re on live and you come up with hi? Who is hiring these idiots? Look DJ you’re new to the program, so let’s get it straight. You talk when pointed to. Rezzy please tell me you have more then hi?

Rezzy Freddie- You know I do. I just don’t know where to begin? How about I just get to it. Who in the hell is in this league these days since it went to a 20 team format? Vikings Pimp, Deezz nuts, Groves Gang? What are we trapped in the 70’s? Pimp, Nuts, Grooves? Well, if that’s the case get me 2 doobies and a Pink Floyd album on vinyl with a lava lamp. I don’t mean to go on a rant here.

Rezzy Freddie

BWJ- First off all Rezzy your to dumb to go to on any rant. Second you’re not Dennis Miller and third Dennis Miller doesn’t even get his own rants. So just settle down. I hear you tho. What happened to getting trophies, Bullbusters ridiculous trade offers, Ty sucking, no wait that never happens, everyone having more then one decent player, the message board and smoking rezzy.

RF- Ya, Rezzy is down on the stock exchange. Dipping to the lowest number since maybe the late 80’s early 90’s. Some dude can get you 2 to 6 different kinds of grass on most days. But they’ll be back now that there getting weirdo texted that read…I will be out of business till Monday. Oh and lose that number you have and I will texted you a new number.  So ya YOU THINK YOUR BETTER THEN ME?

BWJ- Is that right? Did you get the new number?

RF- Yup, right in the morning.

BWJ- Incredible, what else is there?

DJ Hookah- I had sex with my girlfriend while she was on her period.

BWJ- Wait..What? Where the fuck did that come from?

DJ Hookah- Ya and then I put it in her mouth. We made a movie we and names it, ”That’s not red lipstick on her lips”.

BWJ and Rezzy at the same time- Wait what?!?!

DJ Hookah

BWJ- No, enough..Your fired, please pack your things and leave. Were on fucking live and he comes up with, Thats not red lip stick on her lips?

DJ Hookah- I don’t even work here, The real DJ is passed out on my couch from eating too many shrooms last night. So am I fired? Or is he fired?

BWJ- Sorry folks I don’t know where that came from? Lets just get to the picks for the weekend and hope we still have sponsors after the show. CMBLP I am sorry about that. I know you try to run a clean show for the kids. Rezzy I will pick 2 and you pick three. 

Okay..

BWJ Pick-

Dirt Devils on the road traveling to Noah Fecks 05’. The battle of old lovers do battle in this match-up.  Dirt Devils is a -13, but look for this to be a little closer then you think. Noah plays well at home and DD is real vulnerable on the road.  I think she can win as long her boyfriend dosen’t get on her case about the match-up. I have to take DD by -4.

Rezzy Freddies pick

Grooves gang travels to Taco’s house..Who cares really. Pretty simple stuff. GG loses he is out of the playoffs and John is just trying to get out of last place where NFecks was for 3 weeks. For the gamblers GG is a -1 and the over/under is 199. Seeing Ricki Williams scored 30 last night I have to take Tacos.

BWJ-

Hellhounds travels to Okies place- Great battle here. If I had direct tv I would watch this matchup. A lot on the line for both teams here. Hellhounds is a huge favorite here. 22 points to be exact. Ockies beat down hellhounds last time they played 64-111 so look for Hellhounds and Tom Brady’s pissed off self to dominate this week. Gotta take HH to cover.

Rezzy’s Pick

Douch Mishj.sjdnfcusdqash travels to Deez nuts. Who cares really, Douch already has a playoff spot locked up and Deez nuts is trying to finish better then his 08 campaign when he fnished 6-8. There not even airing this game on public tv it’s so bad. I would rather make out with Helen Keller if she was still around.  For the gamblers TAKE THE UNDER. I see Ty winning big. 

BWJ pick-

Vikings Pimp goes to the big house Hells Satans. Vikings Pimp can’t afford to blow this one. Last week he was handed a gift with MJ Drew falling on the one yard line to dodge 6 points. Up 6 with a QB left vs. a RB he wakes up Tuesday to find out he lost. Hells has two loses in the last three weeks and is a 13 point favorite. I like Vikings Pimp in this one for some reason I think if Adrian Peterson dosent have a big game Hells Satins may be done.

BWJ- Well folks thats all the time I have today, but we hope to get another invite this year. Good luck to all of you that still have a shot and for you losers that sucked this year learn to draft better. Rezzy? Anything?

Rezzy- STICK EM UP 

This program has been dedicated to First Down Syndrome. AKA Ben Tyler 08′

Photo captured during the October 2 shooting spree.

The presses at the CM Burns Ledger-Picayune have begun to churn again after being shut down for over a month following a violent shooting spree at the papers headquarters.  On October 2nd the CMBLP staff was decimated when former NFL prospect Matthew Mulligan entered the main office strapped to the teeth and violently murdered several key members of the staff. The killing spree began when Mulligan approached the elevator in the main floor lobby. As the doors opened Mulligan fired a single bullet in to the head of CMBLP crime reporter, William Costigan, killing him instantly. He proceeded to the basement and entered the offices of Nicholas and Dominic Santoro, chief sports handicappers for the Picayune. Mulligan used a baseball bat that he found nearby and brutally beat Dominic to death in front of brother Nicholas. He then issued a fatal beating to Nicholas and buried them both in a shallow grave. As Mulligan exited the stairwell he encountered Chief Financial Officer, Donald Andolini, buying oranges from a fruit stand in the lobby. Mulligan approached Andolini with a revolver drawn and unloaded 5 shots into his belly. Andolini is currently hospitalized in stable condition. Mulligan rode the elevator to the sports department on the third floor and emptied the revolvers final round into the stomach of baseball beat writer Leroy Hobbs. Hobbs is believed to be in good condition, but it is questionable if he will be able to lead the CMBLP softball team onto the field ever again. Mulligan proceeded to the dining hall where he fired one shot into the head of Columnist Frank Carbone. He then took Carbone’s body to the meat locker and hung him up amongst the many sides of beef being stored in the freezer. The killing spree finally came to an end as Mulligan shouted “Say hello to my little friend!” and blasted his way through a door and onto the second floor balcony. A small army of police officers unloaded countless rounds of ammunition at the assailant. Mulligan’s dead body fell dramatically into a fountain on the main floor and the horror had finally come to an end.

It is believed that Mulligan had been under a tremendous amount of stress after being released from Taco Supreme. Investigators also found multiple threats against the CM Burns publication on Mulligan’s hard drive. He is reported to have been extremely distressed over the “Mr Insignificant” t-shirts the Picayune was selling on their website bearing Mulligan’s image being molested by a cartoon football.

The Picayune has retooled essential portions of the staff and is once again fully operational. The deaths have left a few key positions open and Picayune editor in Chief Christopher Ellston is committed to find the best talent available to fill the holes.

“We are devastated by the losses but this is a business not a pity party. We still have work to do. The fact is if you weren’t quick enough to get out of the line of fire, then god probably didn’t want you working for this paper. The economy is bad and there are a lot of good writers out of work. We’re about to change that. If you really think about it, I am America’s true hero.”

It has been rumored that Ellston has made attempts to contact Rezzy Freddie to fill holes in the sports and sports gambling department. The CMBLP has issued a statement stating that while they are fully functional they ask that readers be patient as they expect some challenges in releasing the publication on a regular basis in the near future.

… too soon?

TO RECAP…

In the interest of making the world a greener place here is a brief recap of what has happened since we’ve been gone.

One team scored 2oo another team scored 37 a whole bunch of close games and even more not so close games Jedlicka stops by the team facility to sell some weed then goes on a walkabout Dirt Devils are mostly down Hellhounds are mostly up Free OJ Worst Team Ever Noah Fecks has identity crisis Jellema strokes players egos and more that’s what she said Viking Pimp lingering Doosh MacSqeesh Squish human Hells Satans ego bruised Vikings rule Grooves Gang still wet behind the ears Deez Nuts on the rebound or is it smoke and mirrors if you can read this you are driving too close could Crabtree be the best free agent pick up of the year maybe if another team had picked him up TO can’t find a home no more baseball in the dome it’s all very close it’s not over until the fat lady sings we will take it one game at a time so on and so forth now you’re all caught up lets play ball.

CELLAR DWELLARS DUEL

It is the first must win of the season as the league’s two worst teams, Noah Fecks ’05 and Taco Supreme, meet with the loser likely to fall out of playoff contention. While both teams are coming off wins it is hard to describe this one as anything but an embarrassment to the game and a downright sickening public display of sport. In fact, earlier this week the Dalai Lama erupted in violent projectile vomiting after being asked by a follower to bless the two teams as they head into battle. The Lama is reportedly a big fan of the CM Burns league and after he felt better he issued a ‘Gunga-lagunga’ ensuring that the winning team would receive total consciousness on their deathbeds. So they’ve got that going for them… which is nice.

Noah comes in with a record of 2-5-1, while Taco holds a 3-5-0 record. This means that the loser will have 6 losses forcing them to win out to have any hope of extending their season. Asking either one of these teams to accomplish that task would be like asking a retard to do your taxes. It’s not impossible, but you’d be shocked if it happened.

To add to the disarray Taco Supreme head coach John Jedlicka returned to camp after being on walkabout for three straight weeks. He was reportedly high on peyote and attempted to institute a new offensive scheme he titled “The Wildcat T-wing Spinnerback Flim Option Flam”. The premise of the offense is to have the center snap the ball directly to himself then throw and interception and force the fumble. Jedlicka insists that it is foolproof, though he also insisted that the walls were bleeding and that if he layed on the ground hard enough he could transport himself to any place on earth. The ratings are expected to be so low for this game that the network has suggested running a ‘Roseanne’ marathon in place of the game in hopes of getting more viewers. Both teams are currently 8 point underdogs.

SATANS MEET DOUCHE IN BORDER BATTLE

In Cleveland Browns-like fashion The Hells Satans snuck out of the metro on a midnight train and set up shop in the far away land of Columbia Heights. Now, 2 weeks later, they will find themselves battling their bad neighbor to the southwest Douche McSquish Squash. The DSM fans are very familiar with Satans manager Drew Munson who served as a coach for several years in the North Metro.  The matchup is a crucial one as both teams are currently in playoff contention and looking to fortify their lead in the standings. Both teams are 1-2 in their last three and coming off a loss.

Munson seemed focused on getting his team ready for the game, holding 5-a-day practices on Monday and Tuesday, 3-a-days on Wednesday and Thursday and making his team paint his new house and rake his yard on Friday.

“It’s called zone focus excercise. I just made that up but that’s what it’s called.” Munson said on Saturday. “We won’t have Adrian this week, so the idea here is to punish the rest of the guys for not being as good as him.”

While Munson is busy cracking the whip in the suburbs, DSM head coach Ty Lahr seems to be oblivious to the fact that there is even a game this week at all. When reporters asked on Monday for his outlook for the big rivalry game he responded by saying ” What? Are the Blackhawks in town? Oh, I’m pretty sure the Northstars will kill ‘em.” Lahr has not been available to the media since Monday and empty spots on his current roster are forcing speculation that the team may not be ready to go on Sunday. DSM fans did receive some good news on Saturday when it was reported that a DSM assistant coach was seen hanging a number of pictures of free agent running backs on a dartboard in Lahr’s office. A suggestion that Tyrone may be in the process of choosing a player for the vacant position on the roster.

A win for the Satans would be huge this week as it would move them to a game out of first. A loss for DSM could potentially blow the standings wide open while a win could all but clinch a playoff spot for the sleeping giant. The Hells Satans are currently 15 point favorites but an addition at RB for DSM would surely close the gap.

JELLEMA TURNS TO NATURE TO MOTIVATE OCKE’S

Phillip Rivers and Heath Miller share a warm embrace.

Ocke’s Outcasts have failed to score over one hundred points for the last three weeks and after barely edging out a win against Noah Fecks ’05 in week seven, dropped a heartbreaker last week to Taco Supreme. Ocke’s head coach Ryan Jellema has decided to lay down the knitting needles and baked goods this week and has pulled out  the big guns. On Monday morning Jellema’s team boarded a Greyhound and bussed to the boundary waters for some real male bonding. A beat writer following the team has reported that the Outcast’s have spent the week singing, hugging, lighting campfires and crying. The team has done very little game planning and the absence of electricity has made it impossible to watch game film. Instead the focus has been on forcing the team to become closer as men. Jellema insists that this approach is the key to getting the team back on track.

“We emphasize to the boys that the main point of this game is to destroy your opponent. To take the opponent in your hands and just tear all of his clothes off and rip him to shreds. But I feel that it’s hard to destroy another man if you don’t know what it’s like to really love another man. So up here this week we are learning to really, really love each other. Like men, of course.”

Outcasts fans know a lot is at stake and are hoping the new wave approach isn’t too soft. The outcasts have a tough slate of games this week going on the road to face NFL powerhouses like the Giants, the Saints, New England and Denver.

On the other side of the game the Dirt Devils are trying to keep their minds off of what is happening up north and focus solely on the upcoming game. Head Coach Laura Dykema is motivating the team with nightly visits from local exotic dancers and after each team practice has been replaying the final seen from Milk where Sean Penn’s character is murdered. Dykema commented on Jellema’s unique approach earlier this week.

“I don’t know man, seems a little wierd to me. I mean, to each their own and everything but… As long as there isn’t any monkey business or grab assin going on during the game I suppose I don’t care.”

After a strong start to the season Dykema’s Devils have dropped 4 of their last 5 and need to pick up wins in the next few weeks with a pair of real tough end of the season matchups looming on the horizon. The Dirt Devils are currently 3 point underdogs but don’t be surprised to see Ocke’s blow this one.

HELLHOUNDS BLAZING A TRAIL TOWARDS SECOND CHAMPIONSHIP

The HellHounds stuttered briefly in week 7 after scoring a record-setting 200 points in week 6. Chris Ellston’s team was able to get back on track last week handing a loss to the 1st place Douche McSquish Squash. They look to continue their winning ways this week against Deez Nuts!. With favorable matchups against Miami, Washington, Kansas City, Cincinnati and Detroit the question this week is not ‘will they win’ but ‘ by how much’. Even with the absence of stars Thomas Jones and Visanthe Shiancoe the red-hot Hounds could still push the 150 mark.

“I know we’re good. They know we’re good. The media knows we’re good. The people know we’re good. Why is this even a story? You people should be used to it by now, we’re always good. Gimme a break.” Ellston said earlier this week.

Nuts head coach Matthew Fitch was not contacted because no one cares what he has to say. The Hellhounds sell papers, not some make-believe bunch of Barbie dolls dressed up like football players. The Hellhounds are favored by 30.

VIKING PIMP BECOME FAMILY

Viking Pimp is threatening to climb back into contention after winning 2 straight and 3 of their last four. Pimp head coach Ringo Leipold decided to reward his players by officially adopting each and every one of them this week. With the addition of his fifteen new boys Leipold is now the proud father of 31 healthy children and 3 very unhealthy ones. A reality show deal is currently in the works with A&E Television. The union looks to be about to pay off this week as Viking Pimp should extend the winning streak against the slumping Grooves Gang, losers in their last two efforts. Grooves Gang is favored by 10. Take the points.

CMBLP GIVEAWAY UPDATE

We are happy to announce that Andy Leipold tied with Chris Ellston in week 5 with five correct picks. Since Ellston is a CMBLP employee he is ineligible to win a prize making Leipold the winner of the picks challenge. Leipold will receive an autographed copy of ‘Bets, Drugs and Rock and Roll – The Rise and Fall of the World’s First Offshore Gambling Empire’ by Steve Budin.

We’ll go again this week! Get your picks in. The player with the most correct picks will receive Ross Bernstein’s ‘The Code: Football’s Unwritten Rules and It’s Ignore-At-Your-Own-Risk Code of Honor’.

“I have faced many questions about the teams success. I just want to make it clear that I have made a deal with Satan himself in order to achieve marginal success in the world of fantasy football. I know I could have chosen to trade my eternal spirit for something like intelligence, good looks or even musical talent, but I was just flat out sick of being made fun of by my friends so I chose this.”

The specifics of the trade were not made public but the effects were very apparent in week 3. DSM was able to stave off defeat on Monday night when Jason Witten came up two points short of his projected total allowing DSM to edge out Viking Pimp 108-106. Lahr got a significant boost from the Baltimore defense in the win, which came as no surprise considering that the Ravens defensive centerpiece Ray Lewis was condemned to hell in January of 2000 when he participated in a murder in Atlanta. It is widely speculated that Kellen Winslow may be condemned to purgatory, being too stupid for both heaven and hell and that Aaron Rodgers will spend the afterlife in the abyss for failing to control his eyebrow situation. Altogether DSM currently appears to be fueled by Satan and continues to be a persistent threat in the CM Burns League at 3-0.

Meanwhile things continue to spiral out of control f0r Viking Pimp. After a big victory in week 1 against the HellHounds VP has gone win less for the last two weeks. Insiders fear that the tough week 3 loss coupled with a very busy schedule for Head Coach Ringo Leipold may spell doom for the Pimps. Leipold was reported to have read the riot act to his team after the Monday night loss saying quote “I have 23 mouths to feed and a dog at home, I shouldn’t have to come out here and babysit you sissies.” According to medical records obtained from Dakota County, Leipold has in fact fathered 7 children since the start of the season.

A surprising statistic: Viking Pimp lost by 2 points while seeing 8 of 9 starting players participating in a winning effort and 7 of 9 starting players participating in a win of 10 points or more. 5 players won by 20 or more and no two starters for Viking Pimp play for the same team.

HELLHOUNDS UNLEASH THE FURY

The HellHounds got off the schnide last weekend with a 111 – 97 win over the hapless Taco Supreme. The third overall pick in the draft Maurice Jones-Drew was good for 31 much needed points after being MIA for the first two weeks of the year. The Hounds also saw significant production from the QB position with Tom Brady earning 17 points for the team. The 111 points scored by the HellHounds marks their largest point total for the season and could be the first in a long string of high scoring games for the team. The improved production was welcomed by head coach Christopher Ellston, though he would like to see more from some key players.

“HE’S KIND OF LEAVING US ‘HANGING’” ~ Christopher Ellston

“I like what we did last week but the work is not done. We spent a very high draft pick on Visanthe (Shiancoe) and we expect more out of him. At this point it’s beginning to look like a boner pick. We expected him to be the third leg of this team, but he’s kind of leaving us hanging. We hope he can get up for the next game.”

Taco Supreme falls to 0-3 with the loss and continues to struggle in the absence of head coach John Jedlicka who did not make an appearance at the Taco practice facility last week. Jedlicka was seen renting a fishing boat from Mulligans wharf in Boca Raton last Wednesday. It has been reported that he and TE Matthew Mulligan spent the better part of the weekend marlin fishing with 5 exotic dancers from the area. In the absence of the head coach, Dallas Clark continues to game plan for the team and did an acceptable job in week 3. Taco started 97 points and could not have made up the 14 point differential with players left on bench. Clark spoke on Jedlickas behalf Wednesday morning.

“We’re doing what we can. It would be nice to see (Jedlicka) come around a little more often, but what can you do. The good news is that the less he shows up the less we have to worry about him sleeping with our wives. It’s give and take.”

Taco is now one of two win less teams in the league and has been outscored by all teams but Deez Nuts!. Jedlicka may be in danger of sliding to 0-4 as he faces Adrian Peterson and the Hells Satans this week.

MATCH FIXING CHARGES LEVIED

An investigation has been launched into the outcome of last weeks match up between the Dirt Devils and Grooves Gang. The probe came after two days of lobbying from all of the CM Burns owners with the exception of John Jedlicka, who could not be reached for comment. Suspicion began to arise last Friday when Devils owner, Laura Dykema reportedly published a post saying “If you win, I’m cutting you off” on her twitter account. It is believed that the post was directed toward her opponent and boyfriend Lance Perrin. The league strictly prohibits the exchange of sexual favors as it pertains to competition within the league. However the withholding of sexual or romantic acts is somewhat of a gray area. This is a hot button issue this season after Ben Knauf was banned from the CM burns league for life after accepting oral sex from Tyrone Lahr to throw a game in week 6 of last season.

The allegations gained some weight when cameras caught Perrin hitting Frank Gore in the ankle with a ball peen hammer after the 49ers first drive on Sunday. Later that day cameras again focused in on the head coach as he chiseled away at Brandon Stokelys hamstring with a nail file. Perrin was later quoted as classifying both incidents as a new form of “holistic treatment”. Grooves Gang ended the day with a total of only 42 points challenging an all time low for the CM Burns league.

The Dirt Devils remain undefeated with the win. Dykema would not address the allegations this week, but did acknowledge that she had posted the message on Twitter last week.

“I should have been more careful about what I posted online. I know that now. I just hope that we can resolve this situation and move on with our lives. At this point I’m just going to leave it in the capable hands of the league commissioner. Oh wait. That’s me. I guess you guys can all just suck it.

Perrin would not comment publicly on the matter but is said by team insiders to have been in an irregularly good mood all week. There was some free agent action for the Gang this week as they released the aforementioned Stokely, Benjamin Watson and Todd Heap indicating that perhaps the loss was not intentional. If it is discovered that collusion was involved the consequences could be severe for Grooves Gang as they would be forced to forfeit all games against the HellHounds this season.

OCKE’S LEVELS THE FIELD

Parity re-entered the field of play in week three as Ocke’s Outcast pulled a stunning upset over Drew Munsons Hells Satans. The Hells Satans were a huge favorite on Sunday morning, with the Outcasts coming into the game as nearly 30 point dogs but that changed quickly after Adrian Peterson was contained against the 49ers in the early game. Peterson was held to 85 yards on the ground and 14 through the air, surprisingly low totals for the star running back. Satans had a look at victory from the sidelines as Pierre Thomas and DeSean Jackson combined for 44 un-tallied points. It was believed in many circles that in order for the Detroit Lions to enter the win column they would need a big day from receiver Calvin Johnson. Well, the Lions won and the only Johnson that came into play was the one that Calvin was holding all day as he was good for a lowly 4 points on the day.

The key to success for the Outcasts head coach Ryan Jellema seems to be his Dick Vermeil-like coaching style. Throughout the season he has implemented a different activity or reward each week to bring the players closer to each other and themselves. This week was Haiku week. Each player was given the assignment of writing a haiku to best describe the way they felt about football or this weeks game against The Hells Satans. Coach Jellema submitted to this publication some of the players entries. The following is from Jamal Lewis.

Ran in Tennessee

Was Really Good As Raven

Now I am A Brown

Larry Fitzgerald wrote:

Minneapolis

Zona Paid Me Lots Of Cash

My Bro Shouldn’t Tweet

And from Ryan Longwell

Kick Kick Kick Kick Kick

Kick Kick Kick Kick Kick Kick Kick

Kick Kick Kick Kick Kick

But the motivation that the team needed most for this game undoubtedly came from Jellema himself:

This Week We Can Win

We Should Shower Together

That Wasn’t Gay. Right?

Despite getting below projected totals from nearly all of his players, including a big goose egg from Lewis this week Jellema was still able to pull out a week 3 win. The Outcasts and the Satans both go to 2-1 in week three opening the standings up a bit and proving that:

It’s Fantasy Ball

It’s Not About What You Know

It’s All About Luck.

A ROSE BY ANOTHER NAME

No one expected much out of the game between Deez Nuts! and Free OJ this week which was good because no one was disappointed. The biggest twist in this game actually came last week when Free OJ abandoned their crusade to spring the career criminal and instead championed the cause of being interminably identified with the worst football team in the history of the NFL, the Detroit Lions. Free OJ adopted the not-so-lovable losers moniker in week three and like the Lions, found a way to climb into the win column. The 91 points posted by the Lions was well below the expected total but still good enough for the win as Deez Nuts! was unable to even sniff the 100 point mark for the third time this season. Deez Nuts! has a firm grasp on last place in the league with a miserable 225 point total. The low scores and poor outcomes have prompted Nuts! fans to suggest a name change of their own. The official Deez Nuts! fan club announced on Wednesday that they would be launching the Deez Lips! campaign at this weeks game. All season ticket holders are being encouraged by the fan club to wear all pink to the game and purchase only wine coolers.

The Lions are still failing to see any production from highly touted draft pick Terrell Owens. Owens did not catch one pass on Sunday for the first time since he was a rookie. Despite the lack of production head coach Andy Leipold still insists that Owens is the greatest player in the history of the game.

“Whatever dude! He is awesome. He is the greatest receiver ever. Just because you like Jason Kubel and he turned out be a stud doesn’t mean you know anything about TO. He’s the man. No. Go ahead, say whatever you want. You’ll see when he blows up in the playoffs and scores 10 touchdowns a game. Whatever dude. Can I get a pinchy?”

The Detroit Lions will have a chance to get back to .500 this week against Grooves Gang, while Deez Nuts! will undoubtedly lose to Viking Pimp in week 4.

CMBLP ANNOUNCES GIVEAWAY!!

The CM Burns Ledger-Picayune is proud to announce that our promotions budget was increased for the final quarter of the year. We will be giving away a sports related book to the coach who can correctly predict the most wins this week. Make sure to get those picks in before kickoff on Sunday. The winner will be contacted on Tuesday. Good Luck!

**** CMBLP PICKS TO PAY ****

This week we unveil the CM Burns Ledger-Picayune “Picks to Pay”. Each and every week we will print our favorite picks of the weekend in college and pro sports that you can count on to come through in your parlay. Pair ‘em up and watch the cash flow in. The picks will be featured in the CMBLP mid week edition.

This weeks college picks:

Minnesota -3 over Wisconsin – Wisconsin hits the road for the first time this season and it will be no treat entering the Gophers shiny new stadium. For the first time in a long time this road game will actually feel like a road game. WI has dropped 8 of the last 11 straight up on the road and is 3 of 12 against the spread when traveling. Gophers D will be tough on Bucky as they are yeilding just 3.3 yards per carry this year. Give the points and sit back and watch the Axe return to it’s rightful home.

Washington +13 vs Notre Dame – Mike Floyd opted to be a little fish in a big pond. Good choice idiot. He’s out, and from this handicappers perspective Notre Dame has been anything but impressive without him. The Irish struggled through Purdue for a win last week but failed to cover and this week face the team that toppled USC earlier this season. Granted Washington is coming off a big loss to Stanford last week, but don’t be surprised if the Cardinals end up in the top ten conversation before the end of the year. Washington will use the loss to come back to earth and easily cover the spread.

Alabama -16 vs Kentucky – UK is coming off a 41-7 shellacking at the hands of Florida at home last week. In that game the Kentucky defense gave up 362 receiving yards. This week they will face an Alabama offense that will attempt to go deep, often. Assuming the Kentucky front line doesn’t do Bama QB Greg McElroy the way they did Tebow, the Tide should have a big day. McElroy is currently carrying a 175 passer rating and has already passed for nearly 1000 yards and 7 tds. Factor in that Kentucky has trouble getting started, and hasn’t scored in three of 4 first quarters this year, this game could get out of hand early.

This weeks pro picks:

Tennessee – 3 over Jacksonville – Tennessee has been exposed this year as a below average team when it comes to defending the pass. That goes out the window this week as they face Byron Leftwich who has to date only 2 passing TDs. Tennessee can get back to their strength and focus soley on the prime target Maurice Jones-Drew. The total should go under in this one, but stay away from that. Give the three and watch it live on stat-tracker. Unless you have the Sunday ticket, in which case… can I come over?

Cincinnati -6 over Cleveland – Pretty simple. Any time a team is giving less than 15 to the Browns – play em.

Dallas @ Denver UNDER 42.5 – Denver has gone to a 3-4 D this year and the total has gone under in all three games they’ve played. Dallas has been flat out disappointing and is playing a Sunday after a Monday night. Dallas also has to take the show on the road and up a mile high. They should gas somewhere near the end of the 3 quarter. The Broncos aren’t looking to run the score up on anyone so the under is safe.

FLIER PICK – Play with caution but you could see some value in taking Baltimore straight up against the Patriots. The Ravens now have offense to go with the D. Added bonus this is the early game on CBS on Sunday. Pair this game with the Twins and enjoy the ride.

“IT’S GOOD TO SEE THEM GIVING BACK” ~ John Carlson

     “I’m not happy about it, but I have to produce. That’s what they pay me to do. I do want to give credit to the Rams organization though. I think it’s really great that they let those blind, retarded elderly women come out and play defense against us.” Carlson said on Thursday. ”It’s good to see them giving back.”

     Viking Pimp looks to be in position to compete, and should see steady production throughout the lineup. Reggie Wayne is hoping to make hay against a Miami defense that yielded 213 passing yards to Atlanta in week one. Also expect significant production from Jason Witten. He will be up against a Giants defense that allowed 13 points to Chris Cooley last week. The wild card here could be Chester Taylor who may see significant playing time as the Vikings are expected to have at least a 57 point lead against Detroit by halftime.

     There is another interesting storyline in this game. Two marquee players will be pulled from their respective starting lineups. Donovan McNabb will take a seat and watch as Matt Ryan attempts to fill his shoes. Ryan is coming off a decent week against a sub-par defense in Miami. The challenge will be a little greater this week as he faces a mech better defense in Carolina albeit a defense that allowed 38 points to McNabb and the Eagles in week one. On the other side of the field LaDanian Tomlinson has begun to show some chinks in the proverbial armor and will find himself on IR yet again. Over the last few year this has become a familiar place for the former number 1 pick. Pimp may have seen this coming though as he drafted backup Darren Sproles (via cell phone) with his 10th pick this year. Sproles should make an impact this week.

     UPSET ALERT: The Hells Satans are entering Sunday as 4.5 point favorites. The line opened at 7.5 and has been bet down heavily by the pros after the announcement that McNabb would not be making the start.

League Issues Warning To Faint Of Heart

     An official statement was released by CM Burns league officials on Wednesday warning fans with weak stomachs to stay away from the upcoming game between Douche McSquish Squash and Deez Nuts. Both teams put on undeniably sickening performances in week one. Reports suggest that Deez nuts not only saw season ticket sales come to a complete stop, they actually had to issue refunds and formal apologies to nearly 15% of current season ticket holders. Meanwhile, DSM has been ridiculed by radio talk show hosts all week and has been coined the ‘Forrest Gump’ of the CM Burns football league, due to his tendency to wobble his way to prominance.

     Few expect to see much more out of these teams this week. Neither team is projected to reach the 90 point mark and it may not be a surprise if both teams don’t combine for that number. As of Sunday Carson Palmer is expected to start for the Nuts in week two. Palmer managed all of 8 points at home in week on and must travel to Green Bay this week. Palmer plans to have his parents flown to Wisconsin and has purchased seats for them on the 50 yard line at Lambeau. Palmer has requested that a group of high school bullies de-pants him in front of his mother at halftime in an attempt to quell the embarrassment of his actual performance on the field. Greg Jennings may be in store for a big day, however will be catching passes from the opposing quarterback and DeAngelo Williams will be scoring against his own defense.

     DSM is approaching Sundays matchup the way they approach every matchup… blindfolded. Head Coach Tyrone Lahr is showing no concern over his teams mediocrity

     “I don’t really care how we won last week and I don’t really care how we win this week. I’m sure something will come up. If I had to guess I’d say someone on his team will get injured early. That or some sort of act of God. but like I said, I don’t really care.”

     There has been no line set on this game because illegal gamblers have no interest in legitimizing this game in any way.

The Rivalry Continues

     A new chapter in the greatest rivalry in CM Burns leagues sports history will be written this weekend when the HellHounds do Battle with the hated Ocke’s Outcasts. The relationship has been tenuous between these two organizations since ERAgate in 2003. Rarely do the games between these two juggernauts turn out as planned and never is it dull. Both teams are fighting for their first win this week and sparks are expected to fly as both teams will benefit for some extremely favorable matchups.

     The HellHounds were surprising in their week one loss to Viking Pimp and had potential to win the game if not for some terrible coaching decisions. Head Coach Christopher Ellston has made a few adjustments this week opting for Thomas Jones who scored two touchdowns on the bench last week and looks to benefit again Sunday from the Jets revamped offensive approach. Also getting the call this week will be Fred Jackson who showed up in both the rushing and receiving categories in a big way last Sunday. Visanthe Shiancoe hopes to get into the mix this week against the Lions after being relatively quiet in the opener at Cleveland.

     While things are looking up for the Hounds this week, they may have just run headlong into hurricane Outcast this week as Ockes will see soft matchups at nearly every position facing the likes of the Jaguars, Bengals, Broncos and the Lions. Nearly every player in the starting lineup is expected to reach double digits with a projected total nearing 100 points. Head Coach Ryan Jellema vowed that Ocke’s Outcasts would redeem their week on loss.

     “I am absolutely taking this week seriously. In fact I’ve told the team that if we don’t win this week I won’t be bringing in cookies for the team next week. Every Tuesday night I bake up a real nice tray of cookies for the team, just to give them that warm sense of home. But if they can’t go out there and prove their toughness… no cookies. This week is supposed to be snickerdoodles.”

     With a much needed win on the line, as well as bragging rights, pride and Jellema’s delicious confections, watch for the Outcasts to come out swinging on Sunday. Ockes are favored by 7.

Jedlicka Surfaces At Taco Practice

     Taco Supreme manager of mystery John Jedicka arrived at the teams practice facility on Wednesday and oversaw a team scrimmage and held a film session to help the team gameplan. By all reports the scrimmage went well, but the film session was somewhat of a puzzle to some of the players.

     Kurt Warner told reporters, “I was glad to see him there, I’m just not sure what the point was of watching back to back Jackie Chan movies. I mean I think the guy is really talented, but I’m not sure what it had to do with football.”

      Jedlicka entertained the team with screenings of Rumble in the Bronx and Shanghai Noon. The film session ended around 6pm on Wednesday at which time Jedlicka dismissed the team. He did not return to practice the rest of the week.

     Jedlicka was not available for comment but a team official spoke on his behalf.

     “We weren’t really sure what that was all about. From what we understand he wants us to win this week by throwing chairs at the defense and jumping off the roof of a building. We are looking at it as a bonding experience for the team. As for a gameplan, Dallas Clark came in with some notes this week, most of the team seems pretty happy with what he came up with.”

      They will need all the help they can get as Grooves Gang is out to prove that their week one victory was no fluke. Santonio Holmes appeared to be Big Ben’s number one target in week one and hopes to continue the trend in week two.

     Despite the lack of preparation Taco Supreme comes into Sunday as a 10 point favorite. Look for Grooves Gang to cover if not pull out the outright upset.

In Other News…

     Free O.J. will face the Dirt Devils. Free O.J. will probably lose.

T.O. Drops The Ball

     In a strange twist of fate the least exciting game of the week turned out to be the most exciting game of the week. If you think that’s confusing take a long hard look at the final numbers in this one and you may find yourself drinking out of the toilet and urinating in the milk. To clarify, Baltimore’s defense got run on, Micheal Turner, Andre Johnson, Brandon Jacobs and Terrell Owens combined for 18 points, Nate Kaeding didn’t miss a field goal OR and extra point, Brandon Jacobs didn’t hit a woman and Kellen Winslow failed to hit any large dangerous objects with a moving vehicle. Perhaps the least suprising aspect of this game is the fact the Douche McSquish Squash pulled a win out of a very private orifice when Kaeding hit an extra point with :18 seconds left in the Oakland – San Diego game to secure a 72-71 victory over Free OJ.

     The fallout in the OJ locker room could be severe. OJ Head Coach Andy Leipold threatened early Monday to replace Terrell Owens with tight end Jim Kliensasser if Owens couldn’t produce a victory on Monday night. The world now awaits Leipold’s reaction to Owens’  lackluster performance, catching only two passes for 46 yards and a whopping 4 points. While Owens’ outing was pitiful it will be hard for him to shoulder all of the blame in such a close game. OJ rounded up no rushing TD’s, 1 passing TD, and only 2 receiving TD’s on the week. In fact the fans have begun clambering for the head of Leipold himself for his decision to take a flyer on unproven backup Felix Jones rather than starting proven backup Willis McGahee. McGahee scored 2 TD’s for Baltimore and racked up 75 all-purpose yards for a total of 19 points, enough to put a win far out of Douches reach.

TO A Sad Sight On Monday Night

     Leipold reacted to the fans outcry late Monday night.

     ” I don’t really care what they think. I thought it was a good play man. Then again I had a Vanilla Ice haircut in the 5th grade, joined the Macarena club in high school, got a tattoo of Eminem on my chest in 1998, invested with Bernie Madoff last year and am wearing Zubaz right now. I have to live with the decisions I make and so will they.”

     Time will tell what lies ahead for OJ as they are already among the league leaders in transactions. Expect more on that front in the weeks to come. As for McSquish, expect very little movement at all. In fact the narrow margin of victory should come as little surprise. Douche started the 2008 season 6-0 winning the first two games by a total of 12 points, proving once again that it’s better to be lucky than good.

Newcomer Gets A Groove On

     In the biggest upset of the week the latest addition to the CM Burns football league, Grooves Gang beat Ocke’s Outcast like a welfare baby. The Gang got out to an early lead on Thursday night when Santonio Holmes chalked up an astounding 131 yards and a score for 19 points. Add to that the nearly 400 passing yards from Big Ben and an average outing from an above average Pittsburgh defense and it was a stone cold game of catch-up for the Outcasts. That game however would quickly turn into an excercise in futility on Sunday as Grooves Gang continued to apply the pressure with a multiple TD outing from Frank Gore, 79 yards and a touch from Marion Barber and 136 – all purpose from Tim Hightower. Groove head coach Lance Perrin could have really made a statement had he chosen to start Tony Romo over Rothlesberger as Romo torched the Tampa Bay D for 353 yards and 3 TD’s for a total of 29 points on the bench. In the end it was 102-85 victory for the rookie.

     For Ryan Jellema the loss, while surprising, was not seen as too much of a set back.

     “I just think we all got a little to comfortable before the games this week. I mean that literally. We actually had a super slumber party on Saturday night at my house. We made a fort out of blankets and I had the wife zip all the sleeping bags together. We all fell asleep in the spoon position. I think we’ll be cutting that out of next weeks pre-game prep.”

     Ockes expect to rebound from the slow week that saw only 2 points from star receiver Steve Smith and average production from big hitters like Larry Fitzgerald and Ryan Grant.  There does appear to be a couple of battles brewing for position as Devin Hester surprised the world in week one by playing like a real wide receiver and Eli Manning matched the production of starting QB Phillip Rivers. Count on Jellema to watch these positions closely in practice this week and make a game time decision on sunday before their week two game against the HellHounds.

A.P.

     It only took one swift blow to Deez Nuts! and they retracted from whence they came. Adrian Peterson made a statement on Sunday, exploding for 180 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns leading The Hells Satans to a 126 – 76 victory over the Nuts. The truly scary thing about the victory is that even without the 37 points from the phenom, Satans would have still transformed the squad of second year coach Matt Fitch into the proverbial floor wax. Something called John Carlson showed up in Seattle and left the Nuts sleepless, going off for 95 yards and 2 touchdowns, while Tennessee’s defense arrived in Pittsburgh and clocked Big Ben 4 times and picked him off twice for 14 points. Team owner and Head Coach Drew Munson seemed unimpressed with anyone without the name Adrian’s performance.

     “I think we just need to take it day to…. AP!. Just kidding, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah, we are really just trying to stick to our… AP! I mean game plan. But seriously though we have AP and you don’t and so there. I’m just kidding, but I’m not. But really… he’s strong.” Munson said on Sunday.

     Munson was so enamored with Peterson’s performance that he did not even addresss his plans at Quarterback during his Sunday evening press conference.  Donovan McNabb cracked a rib during Sundays game at Carolina. McNabb claims that he will try to play through the pain but in all reality, no one really expects an NFL player in 2009 to actually do that. The more likely scenario is for Hells Satans to start backup Matt Ryan next week, although there will undoubtedly be a series of ridiculous offers rolling in for Adrian Peterson. Insiders have already reported that the HellHounds may be attempting to package a deal including Tom Brady.

     On the flip side, Deez Nuts! could not have been any less impressive. Carson Palmer did his very best Carson Palmer impersonation, heaving up two picks, negating any significant yardage he was able to amass. Marques Colston is learning what life in NFL is like under the canopy of double coverage and Anthony Gonzales may be looking at an extended stint on IR after tripping on his shoelace early in the first quarter. Sadly for Fitch there wasn’t much relief on the bench either. What looked to be another promising season for Deez Nuts! just hit its first road block. Nuts will try to get healthy in week two as they face the hapless Douche McSquish Squash.

Wayne Propels Pimp To W

     Reggie Wayne accumulated a stunning 162 yards and a touchdown on Sunday for 22 points and a win for Viking Pimp in week one. Wayne and Mat Hasselbeck combined for a total of 43 points and accounted for nearly half of the Pimp production in their 93-82 win over the HellHounds. Wayne appeared to be Payton Manning’s only target on Sunday. On Monday he became the target of what appeared to be a series of hate crimes. The popularity of the HellHounds is vast and it appeared on Monday that a rabid fan set fire to Wayne’s car, house and wife. Also, his grandparents were the reportedly raped in a parking lot as they took a leisurely Sunday evening stroll together. Waynes children have been kicked out of their elementary school and the University of Miami, Wayne’s Alma Mater, declared early Monday morning that they are officially rescinding Wayne’s diploma.

 THE FACT IS PEOPLE ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS TEAM – Christopher Ellston

     “I’m not pleased with the way people are reacting, but hey what are you going to do?” Head Coach Chris Ellston said on Monday. “The fact is, people are passionate about this team. Do I want them to go about raping and pillaging every time we lose…. um…. no. But if they do, then they do. It’s like when you have kids, you can’t stop them from pooping their pants. It’s not like there is a way to train kids to go potty. It’s the same thing with fans.”

     Perhaps Ellston could have done more on the field to help his team to victory. Thomas Jones never even sniffed the starting lineup all week and he showed up in Houston for 107 yards and two touchdowns to the tune of 22 points. Fred Jackson was slated to start on Monday night but was a late scratch in lieu of Baltimore’s Ray Rice. Rice assemble 120 all-purpose yards, but fell short of matching Jackson’s 140 all purpose and a touchdown for 19 points. In short the victory was on the bench for the HellHounds this week.

     For Viking Pimp head coach Ringo Leipold the win was just what the doctor ordered. Leipold had fallen under much scrutiny after missing the draft, then holding the real Steve Smith for ransom as he attempted to collect his winnings from the 2008 season.

     “Yeah, it feels good to get off to a good start. I still feel confident that I can collect my money soon. I’m also pretty sure that it’s going to snow this week and that if I run fast enough I can fly.”

     The road goes straight uphill for pimp this week as he faces Adrian Peterson and The Hells Satans.

For The Devils: Win Was A Brees

     Drew Brees passed for 358 yards and 6 touchdowns on Sunday all but guaranteeing a victory for the Dirt Devils in week one. The Devils were also the recipient of some good fortune as they drew a week one matchup against perennial under achievers Taco Supreme. Taco will enter week two in last place after putting up a league minimum 65 points for the week. While some have pointed to team Owner John Jedlicka’s absence at the draft as the reason for the teams mediocrity, you may look to Jedlicka’s absence after the draft for a better understanding of the problem. Jedlicka has yet to make a move in free agency and was late in setting a lineup in week one. Jedlicka also failed to start Jeremy Shockey against the worst team in the NFL in turn missing out on a 2 TD day from the tight end.

     Jedlicka could not be reached for comment, but a team official spoke on his behalf on Tuesday.

     “We are not sure what is going on with him. We requested a coaches session on Saturday to discuss our strategy for the weekend. He said he would be there but then did not show up. We sent an intern to his house to make sure he was OK. The intern found him passed out in a pile of packed boxes and cigarette butts. He was fairly incoherent but he seemed to be mumbling something about moving back in with Ty.”

     “Yes, he’s moving back into my house.” Ty said on Tuesday.

     It’s all about timing and the Devils look to be the benefactor of good timing again in week two as they face a struggling Free OJ squad.

     “I have 16 children and a dog. Not to mention that I was out the night before all night trying to make more children with random fat chicks in the outer suburbs. I also tried to make more dogs but I have nothing more to say about that.” Leipold said.

     Leipolds absence triggered outrage throughout the league and raised question as to his eligibility to his prize money from the previous season. According to league bylaw 17.3-420 – ‘It is incumbant upon a team owner to obtain all dues and fees incurred by the league to said owner. In the event of unexpected death, dismemberment or act of God a writ of Nubious Corpus may be issued by a league official overriding said responsibilities of said owner in said situation for said reasons.’  Currently Leopold is seeking arbitration to obtain his prize money, but a series of appeals is expected in a class action from a select group of owners in the league.

     Financial uproar was not the only source of controversy at the draft as Taco Supreme owner John Jedlicka encountered a last minute mechanical problem and could not make the draft. While there was much consternation over the process employed to draft Taco Supreme the end result seemed acceptable to all.

LOOKS LIKE WE’RE ALL OUT OF MOSSES

     “A rolling stone gathers no moss. But I have two Mosses and that’s cool because I like the Rolling Stones and I’m always stoned.” Jedlicka said “It’s also a good thing I wasn’t there because last year everyone forgot my birthday. Let me just say I was going to the draft to do two things, draft Mosses and kick some expletive deleted-. Looks like were all out of Mosses.”

     With the league entering its second year with a 10 team format, scores are again expected to decline. With players like Matthew Mulligan finding their way onto fantasy rosters it seems that once again scores of 100 will be the high water mark. Perennial powerhouses such as The Hells Satans and Viking Pimp remain strong this season, while other high performing teams seemed to weaken this season. The HellHounds, who lead the league in top three finishes, went with a youth movement this season. Free OJ went the opposite route, opting for players well past their prime or on probation. Dirt Devils apparently went solely with name recognition in an attempt to avoid home blackouts this season. The real question season though: Can Viking  Pimp repeat? All questions are set to be answered as the season kicks off tonight as the Titans take on the Steelers in Pittsburgh.

The Pimp To Trick The Hounds

     Reigning champ Viking Pimp makes his triumphant return to the turf against a reeling HellHounds franchise. The HellHounds have fallen on hard times, finishing in dead last in 2008. Things don’t look much better for the Hounds this year as they face a season with young players and injury concerns. The orange and black have already endured preseason injury scares from Tom Brady and Maurice Jones Drew, two crucial pieces in their attempt to return to greatness.

     “I’ve always said if you can’t stay healthy then you are more useless than the profilactic in Ty’s wallet. When you look at the effort some of these guys are putting forth you have to wonder where their heart is. Frankly, I’m a little nervous.” HellHounds Owner Christopher Ellston said earlier this week.

     Viking Pimp on the other hand has much to look forward to as they witness TJ  Houshmandzadah take over the number one spot in the Emerald City. Add to that a lineup of key players such as Brian Westbrook, Ladanian Tomlinson and Jason Witten and they would appear to be a team poised to repeat.

     Pimp Owner Ringo Leipold is cautiously optimistic.

     “We all know it has more to do with when you play ‘em than how you play ‘em. I think the pieces are in place, it’s really a question of how the schedule pans out. Of course we hope to get another easy schedule again this year and would love to coast to another championship like we did last year. God knows the last thing we want is to have to earn it. By the way, I have 16 kids and a dog.”

     Viking Pimp will be a 6.5 point favorite coming into the matchup.

Dirt Devils Really Suck

     Laura Dykema has seen much success over the years and is only three seasons removed from the Nettles championship of 2005. But like the President said “It’s time for change.” Dykema appears to be a card-carrying liberal and is following that advice whole heartedly as what was once a powerhouse has turned into the quintessential outhouse. While Drew Brees is a ray of hope for the Devils there is cause for alarm when you look at the rest of the lineup. While Anquan Boldin is consistent he is still a number 2 receiver. Braylon Edwards and Reggie Bush are the collective blue balls of the NFL and Tony Gonzales may have checked his prime at the train station on his way to the season. With back-ups like Kyle Orton, Donald Driver and Steve Breaston it’s hard to see the Devils returning to prowess anytime soon. There may be reilief on the horizon however as DD has a week one match up against Taco Supreme. Taco has yet to set a lineup for week one and there is a common belief throughout the league that Owner John Jedlicka is not aware the season is about to start.

     Jedlicka could not be reached for comment but an anonymous team official spoke on his behalf.

     “Who knows what the hell he’s doing. He came into the practice facility three days ago with two strippers, a case of Jack Daniels and a big box of pornographic movies and magazines. He locked himself in his office, turned up a Two Ton Crutch album really loud and has been in there ever since. We are confident he will at least get a few players in by Mondays games.”

     Should Jedlicka emerge from his compotation of sex and liquor, he should stand a good chance of winning the week. If Clinton Portis, Randy Moss, Dallas Clark and Derek Mason find their way into the lineup look for Taco to run away with this one as they com into the week as 10 point favorites.

Oke’s Outcasts Intent To Outlast

     The Outcasts were anything but in recent history as they threatened to be the first team to win 2 titles only 2 seasons ago. Incidentally that missed opportunity would have given Oke’s back to back championship, another feat unattained in CM Burns history. 2008 saw the Outcasts finish a suprising 7th place while out scoring the fourth seeded Spider Pigs on the season. Ockes seem determined to avenge their 2008 finish fielding a pro-bowl team for the ages.  With Philip Rivers under center and fantasy studs Larry Fitzgerald, Ryan Grant, Ronnie Brown and Steve Smith at the ready, it seems hard to picture this team lagging behind this season. To boost their hopes the have drawn a week one matchup against league newcomer, Grooves Gang. While Grooves seem to be a team with potential not many are holding out hope for a championship run this season.

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE

     Ocke’s Owner, Ryan Jellema spoke on his teams chance to go deep this year.

     “Look, get that microphone out of my face. Now what was your question?… Playoffs. Playoffs? Wh.. D… Are you talking about… Playoffs? Playoffs. Look, we’re just trying to win a damn game. Listen, Grooves are who we THOUGHT they were. We won’t take no for an answer. We must protect this house.”

     The questions for Grooves Gang this year are ones of consistency. Rothlesberger has been tickled by injury in the preseason and continues to struggle to put up fantasy numbers equal to those of lesser Quarterbacks. Ochocinco is returning from a year that would be overstated as a disappointment and Santonio Holmes is still wondering when if ever Hines Ward will start to show his age. For the time being Gang Owner Lance Perrin sees no reason to panic.

     “I see a lot of potential out there. If a few things go our way we could really see this team emerge. If not I’ll blow this whole thing up and spread the ashes right up your expletive deleted-.”

      Ockes enters the week as 15 point favorites and should easily cover the spread.

Satans Look To Avoid A Fitch Slap

     In what should be the game of the week The Hells Satans will meet up with Deez Nuts!. The much anticipated week 1 tilt will showcase two fantasy back worth their weight in weed. DeAngelo Williams is coming off a career season in which he rushed for over 1500 yards and 18 TDs. On the other side, Andrian Peterson takes the field and looks to improve on his 1700 yard 10 TD season. With the Vikings acquisition of Hall of Fame Quarterback Brett Favre that proposition is not a stretch. With every other positional matchup looking like a wash this game will be won at the Quarteback position and on Defense. Tenessee’s defense looks strong and may benefit from a matchup with the low scoring Steelers. Deez is looking for a strong performance from Carson Palmer as the Bengals play host the fledgling Denver Broncos. This matchup is one for the ages and may not be decided until early Tuesday morning. At press time this game was pick ‘em.

Can AP bring a title back to Munsonville

Douche, OJ A Manditory Minimum

     The real question in this matchup is not so much one of victory or defeat, rather it’s a question of survival. With Brandon Marshall, Kellen Winslow, Micheal Vick and Terrell Owens all converging on one field this week, security measures have been boosted and fans are being asked to sign a waiver as they enter the stadium. While Brandon Marshall has not yet been convicted and to date Terrell Owens has not been charged with a crime, odds are that this game will seen an on the field misdemeanor at best. League official have also received word that Albert Haynesworth Plaxico Burress, Ray Lewis and LaGarrette Blount have been invited to the game by Andreas Leipold, Owner of Free OJ. Of course OJ Simpson will appear via closed circuit internet feed at all Free OJ games this season as the team continues it’s efforts to cut the Juice loose.

     Neither team looks to enjoy much success this season as McSquishSquash has pinned it’s hopes to such players as Aaron Rodgers and Joseph Addai. Though they did find some luck robbing the HellHounds of Andre Johnson at the draft, it may not be enough to sustain a season. Free OJ continues to ride the TO express, a one way train to headachesville. They are hoping to see a grand season from first round pick Micheal the burner Turner. If turner can show up on a consistent basis and doesn’ t get run into the ground OJ will have hope. They should certainly be in good shape in week one against what could be the most overrated fantasy program in the history of the sport. OJ comes in a 1.5 point dog but look for the upset here.